The Bartimaeus Fanfiction Academy
by Grim and Mogget
Summary: A Miss Cam authorized spinoff: In which BadFic authors get their fannies kicked...er, are taught the finer points of writing by a Grim headmistress, a veritable army of goblin imps, and, of course, the irate canon characters.
1. The Madness Begins

_This is a Miss __Cam__ authorized spin-off. All canon characters belong to Jonathan Stroud._

**-**

The Bartimaeus Fanfiction Academy

Kim Hayes felt an insane grin stretch across her face as she rapidly typed the ending to her first chapter. It was her first shot at a Bartimaeus story, but she intended to show the few but proud authors that had already made their mark on the small section how writing was really done. She dragged her attention back to what she was typing and finished off the chapter with both a flourish and a lot of sharp clicks – she could type pretty quickly, and demonstrated her pride by making as much noise as humanly possible while typing to show others just how fast she was.

Never mind the fact that there was no one to notice her speed in the relative privacy of her room – she was content with the practice.

She twisted a strand of light-brown hair around her finger and smiled at her creation. Three glorious pages of fluff – it was brilliant. Truly brilliant. Especially since her original character was so _awesome_.

Really. She was. Xiomara was a beautiful girl, half demon and half human, and had all kinds of neat powers. Nathaniel had summoned her by mistake (so what if he had years of training – it was possible!) and had become instantly enamored with her.

But who wouldn't love a gorgeous, powerful, trendy, intelligent girl who just happened to be a very good kisser?

Yes, it was perfect. Kim expected at least fifteen reviews, if not more. This was already her pet project: as soon as she posted this chapter she'd jump on the next one, so she could post quickly and appease the hordes of reviewers that would soon be dying for her updates.

She logged on to the fanfiction site and typed in the password for her account. She was better known by the fanfiction world as PinkRibbons, and already had several stories up, mostly for her favorite T.V. shows. But she had made herself sit down and read through the Bartimaeus books (skimming a few parts…but they probably weren't that important), so she figured she might as well write a story about one of them.

She stretched and went through the necessary process of uploading her story.

Title: "Two Worlds Collide" (classy!)

Genre: Romance/Romance (duh!)

Rating: T, just to be safe! (Who knew what she could decide to put in later on?)

Summary: nathaneil acidentily summons a half-demon grl with all kinds of powers wut will happen when he decides he luvs her but she has a huge secrit that could hurt them both!

Actually, that secret thing just came to her, but hey, it added to the drama. She'd figure it out.

"And add the story," she said aloud, the grin returning to her face. She settled back in her chair and checked out her profile, pleased to see that the story had come up already. It was beauty, all right – she'd have reviews in no time.

In the meanwhile, she started on her next chapter, eager to continue her work of art. Every few minutes she pulled up the window with her profile so she could see the minute she got a review. After about five minutes of this, she got a little impatient.

"What's wrong with these people?" she muttered.

**-**

In a office cluttered with registration forms, other paperwork, heavy books, and a few (dozen) stray goblin imps, Headmistress Grim was asking herself the same question as she stared mournfully at the computer sitting in front of her on her desk.

She didn't particularly enjoy spending her time watching this kind of garbage spring up on her computer screen, but she found that, as was the case with a particularly disgusting creature or that 'badger, badger, badger' animation, it was hard to look away.

And anyway, she was rounding up a few of these people. She folded a fresh form into an envelope and shifted some papers out of the way so she could reach the button for the intercom.

Almost immediately after she delivered her message, Nathaniel eased the door of her office open, wrinkling his nose at the mess. He stepped gingerly across the cluttered floor.

"You rang?"

"Is anyone free to deliver this?" she waved the envelope in Nathaniel's face. "I found another one."

The young magician sighed and plucked the envelope from her fingers.

"The imp trainer should be able to do it, as most of her charges seem to be in this…cesspit."

"Quiet, you," Grim responded sharply. "I haven't gotten around to straightening things up yet."

"But you'll want to do that before the students get here," Nathaniel told her, maneuvering around the various piles of paper, books and scuffling imps towards the door again. "It won't make quite the intimidating impression you're going for."

"Who's trying to be intimidating?" Never mind the fact that she had spent the majority of yesterday perfecting fourteen different kinds of belittling smirks.

"You were practicing your scowl at dinner."

Grim turned the full force of her now well-honed scowl on the smirking boy.

"Out!"

**-**

Back in Kim's room, a sudden sizzling sound by her door distracted her from her second chapter. She looked up and blinked, confused by the noise. She looked suspiciously at her computer, but all possibility of the strange sound coming from there vanished when a crackling portal appeared in front of the door.

Kim fell out of her chair, her head banging against the leg of her desk. Swaying slightly, she stared in a sort of confused awe at the portal, and at the large, blurry shape approaching her from within. She scooted back as quickly as she could while shaking her head clear, trying to put some distance between her and the mysterious figure. Before she could get too far, a dark-skinned, irritated-looking woman stepped out of the portal and looked distastefully around Kim's brightly-colored room. In one hand she held a spray bottle, from which came the faint smell of…was that rosemary?

"W-who are you?" Kim squeaked, and woman let an exasperated puff of air escape her lips before saying, "My name is Alima. I am the imp trainer at the Bartimaeus Fanfiction Academy. It is my duty to inform you that you've been accepted as a student at the aforementioned academy and to give you this."

Here she thrust an absurdly thick envelope at Kim, who took it cautiously.

"Fill it all out, and for Gladstone's sake, delete that assault on my retinas," the woman snapped, nodding her head towards Kim's computer, where her story filled the screen. She strode through the portal, which closed with a sharp crack.

"Friendly," Kim muttered, and shook her head as she opened the envelope. Her jaw dropped at the sight of the form, which had to be at least ten pages long. She frowned at the letter in front.

_Miss Hayes,_

_As you've no doubt been informed, you've been accepted into the __Bartimaeus __Fanfiction __Academy__, where you will participate in a number of courses designed to improve your writing. At the present moment your work fails to meet the standards required to obtain a Writer's License from the BFA, and until you obtain this license you will not be permitted to submit any of your work, regardless of the fandom. Please fill out the form below completely and honestly, and you will be brought to the academy first thing in the morning. Please do not attempt to continue writing: the consequences will be most severe. _

_Sincerely,_

_Headmistress Grim, Keeper of the BFA_

Kim shook her head, but grabbed a pen and began to fill out the form.

**Name:** Kim

**Penname**: PinkRibbons

**You Prefer To Be Called**: Kim

**Age:** 14

**Gender:** F

**Lust Object:** Nathaniel, cuz he's really cute!

**Favorite Genre:** Fluffy romance!

The list was quite long and had a lot of strange questions, and by the time Kim was finished filling out the form her fingers were cramped and her eyes itched. Tiredly she pushed the completed form back into the envelope, and lay down on her bed, letting her eyes drift shut.

She was asleep before the portal opened again and a disgruntled-looking goblin imp collected the envelope, and in the morning her eyes snapped open and focused on a very unfamiliar ceiling. She looked around and shrieked.

**-**

_Yes, Contrarian beat me to this sort of thing with "The Bartimaeus Fanfiction Tutorial", but I got permission to write this some time ago, before that fic came out (so I'm not taking her idea) and I want to have an OFU (Official Fanfiction University) of my own to command. Those of you who haven't read Camilla Sandman's "The Official Fanfiction __University__ of __Middle-earth__", which started all this, really should give it a chance; it's the epitome of brilliance._

**_If you wish to enroll in the BFA (and you don't have to be a bad writer to do so; in fact, most writers in this section are quite talented) copy and paste the form into an email and send it to me. The address can be found in my profile. If you do, you'll pop up at intervals, though I have to warn you that you won't exactly be chummy with any of the characters. DO NOT enroll via review; this is against site rules._**

**_FOR THE SELECT FEW: I have five staff positions up for grabs. The requirements are these: 1) you must be an experienced author, meaning you've written at least one Bartimaeus fic, 2) your stories (which I will be looking at closely) must be original and clever, 3) your grammar and spelling must be better than average, and 4) you must be willing to be brutal to the students. Send me an email listing your qualifications and area of expertise (i.e., developing plotlines, creating OCs, etc.) A brief description of your appearance and personality wouldn't hurt, either. I have the right to deny anyone a staff position._**

_That's all. If you send me the form, I'll send you an email letting you know if you're in (and I'm not planning on denying admission to anyone, so no worries), and that'll be that. Good luck, all. _

_Grim_


	2. A Rude Awakening

_Disclaimer_: The Bartimaeus Trilogy belongs to Jonathan Stroud. This is a Miss Cam-authorized spin-off.

The BartimaeusFanfictionAcademy

Kim was still screaming as she sat bolt upright in an unfamiliar bed. She probably would have continued to do so until she ran out of oxygen if a large, very full glass of water hadn't been splashed in her face. Most of it went into her open mouth, and she choked. Coughing violently, the liquid running out of her mouth and nose, Kim blinked startled tears out of her eyes and looked at her assailant.

It was a girl about three years older than her, and she didn't look amused. Rather, she looked as if she was nursing a particularly violent headache. Kim's angry shout of "What the hell did you do that for?" died on her lips.

"About time you shut up," the girl grumbled. "I have a wicked migraine now, thanks to you."

"Um…sorry?" she offered, brushing wet strands of hair out of her face. The disgruntled girl shrugged jerkily and flopped down on her bed, picking up a copy of The Golem's Eye and beginning to read, thereby ignoring Kim completely.

The door opened and two more girls, both giggling insanely, darted into the room. One of them, a girl with tangly brown hair, looked over at Kim and said, "Oh – you're awake. You might want to get dressed: there's an assembly in half an hour."

"What do you mean? Who are you? And where are we?"

"Wonderful: another genius," the older girl muttered, turning a page in her book. The brunette clucked reproachfully and turned back to Kim. "We're at the Bartimaeus Fanfiction Academy! Didn't you read your letter?"

"The…" It was all coming back to her: the portal, the woman – Alima the imp-trainer – and that ridiculously enormous form. "Oh!"

"I'm Marissa," the girl said, offering Kim her hand. As she shook it, the girl who had entered with Marissa lifted a hand and said, "I'm Taci. All the characters are here!"

"They are? Nathaniel…is here? _In this building_?"

She leapt off the bed and dived towards the nearest bureau. The girl reading, who still hadn't introduced herself, snorted and said, "I don't know why you're so excited about seeing Nathaniel when Bartimaeus is here, too."

Kim didn't answer; she was busy sifting through the contents of the dresser. She needed something cool, sophisticated, flirty, yet dignified….

There was nothing of that sort in the dresser. With a certain amount of disappointment, Kim settled on a purple T-shirt and ordinary jeans. Her shoes, which she had still been wearing when she fell asleep yesterday, were sitting by the foot of her bed.

"We'd better get going," Marissa said, glancing at her watch. "I'm not sure how to get to the lecture hall. And _you_ still need to tell us your name."

This last statement was directed at the girl perched on her bed, who glanced up from her book and said, "Fine. Call me Double-D."

"Nice to meet you," Kim tried, and got a stare in return. Shrinking back slightly, she edged around her bed and joined Marissa and Taci, who had started giggling again over who-knows-what, as they left the room. Somewhat-scary roommate or not, it hardly mattered if she was going to see _Nathaniel_. Kim combed her fingers through her hair anxiously as they followed the sound of many voices that led them to the hall.

-

During all this, Grim had been pacing back and forth in her office, gesturing sharply at random intervals and mumbling fragments of her welcoming speech to herself to see if a) it sounded imposing enough and, more importantly, b) it was grammatically correct. She really should have tested it on Alex, just to make sure, but the newly-appointed staff member had only just arrived, for God's sake.

She paused in front of her computer screen – blank and black for once – and squinted at her dim reflection. Hair under control: check. Nothing stuck in teeth: check. Clothing neat and impressive: she couldn't tell. Damn.

The door opened without any warning.

"For the love of Gladstone, _knock first_!" Grim barked automatically.

"So sorry," said someone female, who in actuality sounded more amused than apologetic – Contrarian.

"If you're done muttering to yourself," the ever-sarcastic voice of Bartimaeus broke in, "Almost all of the nitwits are now in the hall. Almost all of them are constantly staring at me too, so you'd better get down there and distract them. I don't know what their collective problem is–"

"Oh, yes you do, you're just too horrified to admit it," Contrarian told him impatiently.

"Both of you are disrupting my chi," Grim snapped. "Go take your places at the staff table; I'll be down in a minute."

"You're the boss, Boss," Contrarian said calmly, unaffected by Grim's sharp tone (which annoyed the headmistress slightly), and left. Bartimaeus winced at the thought of returning to the hall only to be stared at by drooling adolescents, then followed her. Grim sighed, taking a moment to steel herself – an idiotic audience or not, public speaking had never been one of her strengths – and stalked out of her office as well.

**-**

Kim, Marissa, and Taci had found the lecture hall without too much difficulty, although a wrong turn that took them down into the lower levels briefly had wasted some time, and Kim situated herself on one of the long wooden benches next to a scrawny boy who looked to be about her age.

"Hey!" he said brightly – the first enthusiastic greeting she'd gotten since arriving. She grinned widely at him in return.

"Hi, I'm Kim."

"Timmy," he said, taking her hand and pumping her arm up and down so forcefully her head bobbed. As she was steadying herself upon being released, he asked, "So, who's your favorite character?"

"Nathaniel," she said, hearing the dreamy tone entering her voice. "He's sooo cute. Who's yours – Kitty? Or what's-her-name…Jill?"

"Jane," Double-D's voice sounded near her right ear, and Kim squeaked in surprise. The older girl smirked slightly at her reaction, although annoyance soon worked its way back into her features.

"Jane Farrar," she repeated. "Have you even _read_ the second book?"

"Yes," Kim said defensively, twisting her body so that her back was almost to Double-D and looked expectantly at Timmy.

"Bartimaeus," he said in answer to her question, getting starry-eyed. Kim felt her brow furrowing.

"He's so hot," Timmy continued, oblivious to Kim's surprise. "And he can take on any shape…."

He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, his grin now slightly manic, and Kim smiled back weakly, scooting away from him slightly so that she bumped into Double-D, who frowned at her. Timmy didn't seem to have noticed Kim's reaction, probably because a door near the staff table had opened, and three people came in.

One, Kim noticed with a rush of dizziness, was Him. _Nathaniel_.

_Oh, my God_.

Her lust object took a seat at the staff table between a frightening-looking older woman and a girl who, Kim noticed with some confusion, was no older than Double-D and didn't look like any canon character she knew of. He nodded to this girl politely, and Kim felt a rush of envy. The second of the three newcomers was a huge man in a chef's hat and apron, who was wielding a menacing-looking meat cleaver. This frightening character, who Kim vaguely remembered from the first book, sat down at the very end of the long table. Last came _another_ girl Kim didn't recognize from the books, tugging at her skirt as she strode towards the table. Her lips were pressed tightly together: either she was extremely annoyed or she was about to be sick – Kim couldn't tell.

The young woman stepped up to a podium that was situated in front of and at the center of the staff table. She paused, staring around at the large group assembled, and took a deep breath, which was heard clearly by everyone in the room thanks to the microphone in front of her mouth. Looking annoyed, she shook her head and said curtly, "Welcome, all of you, to the Bartimaeus Fanfiction Academy. I am Grim, the Headmistress, and I'm sure I speak for all of the staff when I say that I hope to see the lot of you learn, improve, and (with a lot of work) earn your Writer's License at the end of this year. Before I continue, I will introduce you to the staff."

She waved a hand towards the far left side of the table. "They are: Jane Farrar," there were a few wolf-whistles from a small cluster of boys near the front, which ceased when the headmistress paused to glare at them harshly, "Arthur Underwood, Simon Lovelace, Rupert Devereaux, Kitty Jones," in spite of the stare the boys in front had gotten earlier, there were a few catcalls, but these were accompanied by appreciative applause from several students. Grim paused for a minute, looking a bit exasperated, then continued once the noise had died down, "Bartimaeus," she had to stop again as thunderous applause and cheers filled the hall. Even Double-D was grinning now, clapping hard. Some of the staff members, too, were clapping politely. The djinni tossed a casual grin at them all, but looked like he regretted it when the cheers were punctuated by loving sighs. Timmy swooned, and Kim scooted even farther away, practically crawling into Double-D's lap.

"All right, settle down; we haven't got all day" Grim said impatiently. Gradually the applause died away. The headmistress shook her head and plowed on, gesturing towards a young girl with blonde hair, "Alex, who is not a character but will be teaching you about grammar, Jessica Whitwell, Nathaniel," again she paused, looking more resigned than irritated now as clapping (though less enthusiastic than it had been for Bartimaeus) filled the air. Kim couldn't resist a small whoop. Double-D rolled her eyes. "Contrarian," Grim continued, motioning towards the unfamiliar girl next to Nathaniel (who Kim now extremely disliked for that reason).

To Kim's surprise, there were smatterings of polite applause. Contrarian smiled slightly, adjusting the eyeglasses that had been gradually slipping down the bridge of her nose, and Kim let a discontented puff of air escape her lips.

"Jeff," Grim said, indicating a boy with medium-length, brown hair that Kim didn't know, "Probably better known to some of you as Bowles."

At this, there was more applause. Kim glanced at Double-D in confusion. "Who are these people?"

"Popular fanfiction authors," she answered shortly as she clapped for Jeff.

"Queezle," – applause – "Fred, Stanley, Alima (our imp trainer), and, lastly, Faquarl.

"Now I'm going to alert you to some of the more important rules," the headmistress said with a grim smile. "First, and I cannot emphasize this enough, _there will be no stampeding whatsoever_. You will keep a respectable distance – and by that I mean at least ten feet – away from the staff members at all times. Attempts to seduce a staff member will result in severe consequences. Second, you will attend _all_ of your classes and be on time. Tardiness will result in a detention. The layout of the building is fairly straightforward, as you will discover, so 'I lost my way' will cease to be an excuse after the first few days. Failure to complete homework assignments will be punished as your teacher sees fit. Quizzes and tests will also be given, which you are expected to study for."

Kim wrinkled her nose: they were getting homework? That was disappointing.

"You have an hour to relax, get acquainted with one another, and gather your things," Grim told them, "After which you will proceed to the cafeteria for lunch. Classes begin at one o' clock sharp. Your schedules are in your dormitories – they have your names on them. I trust you are all literate and can figure out which schedules belong to whom." She and several of the staff members smirked at this last comment. "And that is all. Best of luck to all of you."

She stepped away from the podium and strode quickly out of the room, her skin very slightly green. The staff members began to get to their feet, chattering amongst themselves. Their conversations were drowned out by the noise of the students, who were also standing and talking. The noise died down a little and then stopped altogether as Bartimaeus moved out from behind the staff table, which until now had been the only barrier between him and his horde of fans. If he realized this, it didn't seem to worry him. Even when a human tidal wave swept towards him, people pushing and shoving and even biting in an effort to be the first to reach him, he didn't look fazed. A second later Kim saw why.

The wall of adoring fans hit something invisible, yet apparently very, very solid. Cries of pain, astonishment, and disappointment replaced the previous excited shouts as the unlucky students staggered away from the barrier, some clutching bloody noses and holding their ribs. Kim noticed that the smirks of some of the staff had become even more pronounced, while others were chuckling openly and unpleasantly.

"It doesn't seem funny to me," Kim said huffily, her hostile stare following Contrarian as she, still snickering, left the hall out a side door with Jeff and Alex, both of whom looked equally amused. "They could have said something about the shield."

"Yeah," Timmy agreed as he stumbled back up the row of benches (he had sprinted down them as quickly as possible in an attempt to get to Bartimaeus). "They must have known we'd try to pounce on some of the characters. They're so cool."

"It's their fault for not controlling themselves," Double-D said primly, though Kim noticed the older girl's eyes were a bit glazed and were following the popular djinni's progress out of the lecture hall. But Kim wasn't brave enough to mutter, "Like you're going to last a day without doing the same thing," until Double-D was a good ten benches away. The girl was, after all, downright frightening.

-

_I was happy to see so many people interested in enrolling. There are still plenty of open spots for students, and there are now only two staff positions left, as Contrarian, Jeff (Bowles), and Alex (swordsrock) have snagged the first three. Remember: **do not enroll/apply via review.** The gods of this site will be annoyed if you do. Until the next chapter, then._

_Grim_


	3. Know Thy Grammar

_This is a Miss Cam_ _authorized spin-off. All recognizable characters belong to Jonathan Stroud. _

_I apologize for the delay. Mea culpa._

The Bartimaeus Fanfiction Academy

Ten minutes into their "social hour", Kim was seated alone on one of the benches, chin in her hands. She stared around at the other students, some of whom were sitting or standing awkwardly by themselves as she was, or clustered together in tight knots. She strained her ears, trying to catch snippets of conversation. If any of the groups was talking about Nathaniel, she might be able to join in the discussion and make some friends. But thus far it seemed that the main topics for discussion were the injuries several of the students had sustained due to the strategically-placed Shield and the books themselves. Kim, who hadn't absorbed much besides Nathaniel's appearance and the general plot of the books, was having difficulty deciding whether or not she should fake detailed knowledge of the plotlines and characters in order to join one of the tight clusters of peers.

Eventually she found herself gravitating towards Double-D, of all people, who was engaged in conversation with a boy and girl who looked so much alike that they must have been siblings.

"We've preordered two copies of the third book from the UK," the girl was saying excitedly. "I'm going out of my mind waiting!"

"We have a whole notebook full of theories as to what'll happen," the boy said, holding up a thick spiral notebook.

"Can I look?" Double-D asked, and the boy handed it over.

"You can take it with you to read," he said. "And write down what you think, too, but make sure you put down your name. We want to pass it around to as many people as we can and see what they think, and then once we get the book we'll be able to look through everyone's ideas and mark whose guesses were closest."

Kim moved away hurriedly. Had everyone in the room memorized the books but her? What was she going to do about friends if she couldn't even talk to anyone for fear of looking stupid? Dejected, she moved aimlessly among the groups. Unexpectedly, she was pounced on by a desperate-looking blonde girl who had been standing off to the side.

"Hi, I'm Katy. I've been listening to everyone and they all seem to know everything about all of the books and I'm really worried because I simply don't know all that much about what happened in them and…."

Katy stopped to catch her breath, and Kim blinked. The girl had been talking extremely quickly and with a British accent, and it was a moment before Kim could piece together what she had been saying. Once she had, though, relief spread through her.

"I'm so glad," she told Katy, having to restrain herself from grabbing her in a hug, "I don't know much about the books either. I thought I was the only one."

Katy looked immensely relieved as well.

"Oh, that's good," she replied, talking at a normal pace now. "Truth to be told, I read a summary of the two books online, and I thought that was enough information to try writing a fanfic. I had started this story about this really talented girl magician, Adele, summoning a really powerful marid and becoming a war hero, and the next thing I knew this disgusting creature appeared in my room. It shoved this enormous envelope in my face and disappeared. I couldn't write my story anymore – the computer kept freezing up – so I decided to have a look at what was in the envelope."

"Did you fall asleep and wake up here, too?" Kim asked. Katy nodded fervently.

"After I filled out the form I couldn't keep my eyes open even though it was the middle of the day."

"Weird," Kim said. "I wonder how they did that?"

Katy shrugged.

"Well, we're here, and that's what's important. Who'd you put as your 'lust object'?"

"Nathaniel," Kim said, feeling dizzy as usual at the mere thought of the object of her desire. Katy looked at her in astonishment, and then wrinkled her nose.

"_Nathaniel_?" she repeated incredulously. "But why? He's not cute at all, and the summaries I read made him sound really annoying and mean."

"He's not mean," Kim said defensively, her desperation for a friend fading away in favor of the instinct to defend her crush. "And he's totally cute."

"He's _okay_-looking," Katy said, though her tone made it apparent that she was only saying this for Kim's benefit. "But you can't say he's not mean. Look what he did to poor Kitty. Kitty is my favorite character, and he betrayed her because he wanted to look good in front of the other magicians. There's no excuse for that."

Katy seemed to be working herself up just thinking about it – her nostrils had flared and her fists clenched into fists seemingly of their own accord.

"Well, okay, that was a little rude, but he just wanted to keep his job," Kim said, unwilling to badmouth Nathaniel. "You and I would probably do the same thing if we were faced with that situation."

Katy sprang back from her and looked at Kim angrily.

"No, I wouldn't," she declared hotly. "I would've done the right thing. Nathaniel was just too pig-headed and selfish to help Kitty out."

"He is _not_ pig-headed!" Kim yelled.

"He's _so_ pig-headed!"

"Well…well what do you know, anyway?" Kim burst out. "At least I've actually _read_ the books – you just read a stupid summary! You don't understand anything."

And with that she stormed off, seething. How dare that stupid girl insult Nathaniel? He was the greatest!

What could have built nicely into a long internal rant was cut short by a bell ringing. Kim glanced at her watch – she still had to go up to her dormitory and collect her things, and lunch started in fifteen minutes. Luckily for her, she caught sight of Double-D leaving through a side door and ran after her. The older girl looked around, rolled her eyes, and started up a staircase.

_Friendly_, Kim thought sarcastically, and followed Double-D up to the dormitory in annoyed silence. Was everyone at the school going to be a complete jerk? She stomped over to her bed, which now had a pile of forbidding-looking textbooks on it, and looked at the sheet of paper on her nightstand.

_Course Schedule: Kim Hayes_, she read to herself, and scanned the list. All of the subjects sounded bizarre and, with names like _Grammar and Spelling: The Basics for Boneheads_, slightly offensive. When Kim turned to examine her textbooks, she found that their titles were just as strange. _Eats, Shoots, and Leaves_, for instance, was a very odd title. Actually, it didn't look like a textbook at all and yet it was right on top, with a Post-It note stuck to it that read: "Mandatory Reading Material". Off to the side were the first two Bartimaeus books, brand-new and in hardback, with another Post-It demanding that she read both carefully over the course of the year.

"Excellent," she heard Double-D say, and looked around to see the older girl turning "The Amulet of Samarkand" over in her hands. "My old copy is all beat up."

"Goody for you," Kim muttered bitterly. Either Double-D didn't hear her or she chose to ignore Kim's rudeness. Double-D grabbed a black bag leaning against her nightstand and stuffed some of the textbooks and her schedule inside. Slinging this bag over her shoulder, she left the room without another word. Kim turned back to her own schedule and studied it. She had the grammar class first, then _The Use and Abuse of Magical Weapons_ with Kitty, and then – a scowl crossed her face – that Contrarian girl and her class which, Kim discovered, had something to do with clichés. As if she needed to take that class – her stories were the epitome of originality.

She selected the appropriate textbooks and put them in a bag similar to Double-D's, which had also been propped against her nightstand, grabbed her schedule, and departed for lunch. She realized with a sinking feeling that her argument with Katy meant she had no one to sit with. With a mumbled curse, she followed the sounds of clinking silverware and conversation to the cafeteria.

Once she entered the room, she noticed something odd. One half of the room was dominated by boys and girls who were all talking very earnestly and seriously while others nodded or made skeptical faces, and the other half – made up mostly of girls – was the source of several shrieks, gasps, and bouts of hysterical giggling. It didn't take the brains of Hopkins to deduce which half consisted of annoying, fawning fans. Kim was drawn to the large group instinctively.

As she looked around for an empty space, someone called her name. She looked around and saw Timmy waving at her enthusiastically. She hesitated – after all, her previous encounter with the boy hadn't left her feeling very keen to be in his company again – but decided that sitting with a crazy person was better than sitting with no one at all. She smiled and moved to his table, settling into the chair he held out for her.

"Thanks," she said, and looked around at the other occupants of the table. There weren't many, and Kim noted that the few who were there were all eyeing Timmy warily.

"I was just talking about Bartimaeus," Timmy said, and the reason for the others' expressions became clear. Timmy had a starry-eyed expression not unlike Kim's when she was talking about Nathaniel.

"So I was rereading the part where he talks to Kitty in 'The Golem's Eye', and I decided that that's one of the times that he sounds sexiest. You know – he's so knowledgeable, but really, really casual about it."

"Mmm," the rest of the table responded in unison. Kim saw one girl, who looked about twelve, drop her head into her hands in undisguised frustration and boredom.

"You like Nathaniel, don't you?" Timmy asked, swiveling to face Kim.

"Yes," Kim responded carefully, remembering Katy's reaction. She didn't particularly feel like fighting it out with anyone else.

"Ooh – I like him, too," a girl with curly red hair piped up.

"Isn't he cute?" Kim said eagerly.

"_Totally_ cute. I nearly died when he walked into the lecture hall."

"I'm Kim."

"Lila."

The two girls grinned at each other.

By the time the lunch period was over, Kim had joined in the high-pitched squealing and obsessing that had drawn her to this particular part of the room so enthusiastically that she had a headache. On her way out, still gabbing with Lila about Nathaniel's particular charm, Kim couldn't help but notice that some students from the more serious part of the room were looking at her and her companions with a certain amount of derision. Still, at least she had a group to talk with; the others' look of dislike, whatever the reason for it was, didn't bother her too much.

She followed the flow of people into the first floor corridor, and checked the room number on her schedule. Her first class, the black text proclaimed, was in room 124. Kim glanced up at the number of the room she was standing in front of: 115. Choosing a direction arbitrarily, she started forward, doubled back when she saw she was going the wrong way, and a few seconds later was darting into the correct classroom just as the bell rang.

"Close call," the girl at the front of the room observed, raising an eyebrow. Kim shrugged an apology and chose a seat in the middle of the room.

"Kim!" someone whispered loudly and happily. She looked over to see – good God – Timmy waving at her so vigorously that she was surprised his arm stayed attached to the rest of his body. Was she doomed to be forever attached to this weirdo because she had been friendly for one minute and introduced herself?

_I've been asking rhetorical questions a lot lately_, she thought to herself. _Wait…is that what rhetorical means? I think it's when you're asking a question that there's no answer for, but does it count when the only person you're asking is yourself? Maybe it has to be in conversation. I would look it up, but it's like the dictionary tries to make its definitions as confusing as possible._

"_Miss Hayes_?"

A distinctly annoyed voice cut into Kim's thoughts. Looking up in surprise, she found the girl who was apparently the teacher frowning at her, a notebook open in her hands.

"Oh…yes?"

"Please pay attention," the girl – Alex, if Kim remembered correctly – said exasperatedly. "I'm taking roll and I called your name twice."

"Why didn't you just think I wasn't here instead of calling my name over and over?" Kim asked, feeling superior.

"Several of your classmates have been attempting to attract your wandering attention as well," Alex responded sharply, looking more irritated than ever. Kim winced and sank down in her seat.

"Now," Alex said briskly, "Welcome to _Grammar and Spelling: The Basics for Boneheads_. Over the course of the year I hope to pound the necessity of correct grammar and spelling into your brains so thoroughly that you have a conniption if you spot a misplaced apostrophe. Most of your classwork will consist of correcting sample stories containing errors. As the year goes on, the mistakes in these selections will become more and more subtle, and in order to be able to spot them you will have to _focus_."

Here she banged her hand down on her desk, and Taci, who had been whispering something to a boy with dark hair, jerked and slipped out of her chair. She landed with a loud crash and a startled squeal. Laughter pierced the air, and Taci clambered back into her seat, blushing furiously.

"Right," Alex said, and grabbed a stack of papers off her desk. "I've prepared a short quiz for you all, which will give me an idea of how much you already know. I won't be taking a grade."

She passed the papers down the rows, and Kim suppressed a groan. A quiz already? It was only her first class! On the first _day_!

She pulled her paper towards her and skimmed its contents.

_Identify the errors in the following sentences:_

_1) I took the dog, for a long walk, after which we were both exhausted._

_2) In a stunning twist of fate; she received an A on the quiz?_

_3) But you shouldnt feel to bad if you don't do as well._

_4) in fact, your hardly accepted to._

And so forth. Kim hesitated, and then began making marks on the page. Her grammatical skills didn't amount to much, and she was having difficulty spotting some of the errors. The third and fourth sentences looked all right to her.

The quiz got trickier as she went on, the errors becoming steadily more difficult to spot even for those few who knew what they were doing. When Alex called time and asked them to pass their papers forward, Kim had only made a few tentative corrections.

"These will be ready for you tomorrow," Alex said as she patted the papers into a neat pile and set them on her desk. "Good luck with the rest of your classes."

A bell rang on cue, and Kim left with a feeling of foreboding. If the rest of the classes were as difficult as this one, she would be having a rough time of it. At least she had a class with Nathaniel tomorrow, she consoled herself.

Suddenly a silver blur crossed her path with a soft hiss, so close that it nearly took the first layer of skin off her nose. It embedded itself in the wall to her left, its handle quivering slightly. With a strangled cry, Kim realized that it was an enormous, incredibly sharp meat cleaver. A tall, broad man moved towards her and calmly plucked the cleaver out of the wall, pulling a small, blobby mass off of the edge.

"Fly," the man explained calmly, holding the black pulp up by a translucent wing, and grinned. His teeth were razor-sharp.

Kim screamed and ran for the stairs as fast as she could go.

-

_A few things:_

_1) All of the staff positions have now been filled by Jeff (Bowles), Alex (swordsrock), Contrarian, Elph, and MakoAnima (who I haven't yet emailed, so…surprise. Very unprofessional of me, I know). Thanks to everyone who applied! There are still plenty of spaces open for those wishing to be students – you don't have to have written a story to apply._

_2) I beg all of you who have become students to forgive me if I take liberties with your character. I may portray you as flighty and unintelligent, but don't take personal offense. It's simply a means to an end._

_Grim _


	4. A Mysterious Addition to the Stairwell

_This is a Miss Cam-authorized spin-off. _

The Bartimaeus Fanfiction Academy

Grim hovered outside the door to the restroom connected to her office, battling yet another wave of nausea. That had been the longest time she'd ever been in front of such a large group of people, their attention focused entirely on her…

_No_, she contradicted herself sharply, placing a hand on the frame of the door for support (the memory of standing at the podium had caused her knees to buckle slightly). They hadn't been paying that much attention to her at all. The sole focus of over three quarters of the people in the hall had no doubt been the canon characters. Shallowness did have its good points, she reflected. A sudden sharp rapping at the closed door of her office distracted her momentarily.

"Yes?" she called weakly, then cleared her throat and said again, "Yes, what is it?"

"Headmistress has a visitor," an unpleasant croaking voice answered. That would be one of the goblin imps. Still, who would bother having one of them announce their presence? A student would have been immediately attacked by one of the imps, not shown in. If it was a staff member they would either knock themselves or just walk in, depending on who it was. Then again, it could be Underwood. He was possibly the only staff member in the building with that large of an inferiority complex.

It occurred to Grim that she could save valuable time by simply asking who it was.

"The name?" she asked, trying to sound impatient, as if she hadn't just wasted a full minute and a half puzzling over who it could be.

"It's Mogget. Let me in." said an all-too-familiar voice from outside the door. Grim groaned loudly and strode directly into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. Apparently taking that as her cue to enter, her sister pushed the door of the office open and walked in, dropping immediately into the comfortable chair behind Grim's desk. She wrinkled her nose at the piles of papers strewn across every available surface.

"Nice office, but you might have straightened it up a bit," she called into the bathroom, from which violent (and rather fake-sounding) retching noises emanated.

"Oh, stop it," Mogget said, jumping out of the chair and flinging open the bathroom door. "You should be happy to see me."

"And _why_," Grim demanded in as dignified a tone as she could muster while bent over the sink, "Would I be happy?"

Mogget grabbed her sister's arm and dragged her out into her office, nearly sending Grim spinning into her desk.

"Because," she said, her cheerful tone returning as Grim steadied herself against one of the (not so comfortable) chairs in front of her desk, "Now you have your dear sister here to help you in the disciplining of the frightfully dimwitted people you've invited in."

"'Invited' is a bit of a stretch," Grim grumbled, folding her arms. "And I don't need your help."

"With all that petulance, you'd think _you_ were the younger sister," Mogget said serenely, perching on top of the desk and ignoring her sister's resulting scowl. She opened her mouth to say something else, but a knock on the door interrupted her.

_Thank God_, Grim thought, her lips thinning, and turned her back on her sister in order to pull the door open. "Jeff. Hi."

"Still in here?" he asked, surprised. He glanced over Grim's shoulder and caught sight of Mogget. "Oh, hello."

"My sister, Mogget," Grim explained, moving slightly to the right and blocking Jeff's view of her. "Ignore everything she says. Is something wrong?"

Normally composed, Jeff looked slightly flustered. "Nothing major. Two girls attempted to catch me in a snare after one of my classes."

Grim stared. Behind her, Mogget burst into laughter.

"Mogget. Shut up," Grim snapped, and pushed Jeff backwards into the hallway so she could leave the office, banging the door closed behind her. She turned to Jeff, who was rubbing the back of his head where it had knocked against the wall. "Sorry. When did this happen?"

"Don't mention it. And the snare? About ten minutes ago. It's lucky it didn't work."

"Yes," Grim said slowly. "Still, I was expecting this to be more of a problem for the canon characters."

"I think a group tried to ambush Bartimaeus. Incidentally, there's a big scorch mark on the ceiling of the main hallway on the third floor."

Grim massaged her temples. "This is ridiculous. There's a security deposit on this building. Look, ask Alima if she'll lend you one of her goblin imps. It'll know what to do if you're attacked again."

"All right, but–"

He broke off and turned around at the sound of approaching footsteps. Contrarian rounded the corner, looking exasperated.

"Don't tell me," Jeff said. "They dug a pit under the threshold of your door and tried to trap you."

"What?" Contrarian asked, giving him an odd look over her glasses. "No. Oh, but I heard all about the snare incident from Faquarl." She paused, her mouth twitching. "He seemed most amused."

"Apparently he's not the only one," Jeff said, raising an eyebrow at her. She grinned and turned to Grim.

"You might want to check out the nifty addition to the second floor stairwell," she said, all traces of mirth disappearing. "It's presenting something of a problem."

-

"What is it?" Kim asked wondrously, staring at a point about midway down the stairs. She was one of a medium-sized crowd assembled at the top of the steps. Everyone was murmuring to each other and casting semi-apprehensive glances at the thing stretched out across several steps. The only way Kim could think to describe it was a black hole, swirling slowly in a counterclockwise fashion. Everything around the very edges of the thing bent and shimmered oddly, as though itching to be drawn into the black depths.

"Well, whatever it is, it's blocking our only way down," Double D observed irritably. She glanced at Kim. "That is, unless you want to leap over the railing and act as a cushion for those who follow."

"Hilarious," Kim snapped, turning away from her smirking roommate and feeling disproportionately proud of herself for using a word with more than two syllables. Double D snorted and leaned forward to get a better view.

"Out of the way, out of the way," an unfamiliar and self-important voice cut through the noise of the students. A small, red-haired teenager pushed her way through the crowd, followed by Bartimaeus, Jeff, Jane Farrar, the very annoyed-looking Headmistress and, Kim noted with displeasure, Contrarian. The girl who had ordered people to move aside peered at the black-hole-ish apparition in the middle of the stairs. After a long minute, she huffed in exasperation and turned around and addressed Grim. "Well? What do you think?"

"Well, I don't _know_, Mogget," Grim said, sarcasm lacing her tone as usual. "You're backside has been blocking my view the entire time."

Mogget made a face. Kim watched in confusion. "Mogget" wasn't a staff member as far as she knew, but no student would dare sneer at the Headmistress for fear of being dismembered by an army of goblin imps. Grim stepped around her, catching Kim in the stomach with her elbow in a not-quite-accidental manner, and studied the swirling vortex below.

"_I_ know what it is," Bartimaeus said, and Grim looked up. Bartimaeus had taken on the form of a bird (to a chorus of delighted "oohs" from the fangirls present) and was perched on the banister, peering through narrowed, beady eyes at the middle of the staircase. He looked around, apparently just noticing that everyone present was hanging on to his every word, and in typical fashion began to draw out the suspense.

"It's not pleasant," he said solemnly, as Contrarian clapped a hand to her forehead and Jane groaned in frustration, "And it's certainly not something you'd want _here _of all places."

He changed back into Ptolemy and started forward, accidentally knocking against Double-D, who had, in her wide-eyed admiration, strayed a little too close. Stupefying admiration had slowed her reflexes – she was unable to regain her equilibrium and, amongst gasps of horror, began to pitch forward. Grim made a half-hearted attempt to grab onto her, but missed by a good six inches. The girl fell down the stairs, directly into the center of the main attraction below. In a second she had disappeared amidst deafening screams. Bartimaeus set off a Detonation, and everyone was silent as they watched the pretty lights created by the explosion.

"There, you see?" he said, satisfied. "No one can ignore an explosion."

"Ingenious," Jeff said dryly. "What were you saying?"

"Oh, of course. I was telling you about the unpleasant, unwelcome, widely-hated addition to our stairwell," the djinni said. "Let me tell you, I've encountered so many of these I would have to be human not to realize what it was."

"'More matter, less art'," Jane quoted smartly, and Mogget snorted.

"Yes," Contrarian said, glaring at Bartimaeus. "Just tell us what it is."

"You have no appreciation for dramatic suspense. It's a plot hole," Bartimaeus answered.

"Oh, of course!" Grim said, slapping her forehead. "_I_ should have realized that."

"Well, you didn't, but don't worry," Bartimaeus said consolingly. "Humans, et cetera."

"Makes sense," Jeff said, ignoring the djinni's comment, "But how did it get here?"

"That's obvious," Mogget said airily, self-important tone returning. "One of your dear students must be illicitly writing fanfiction."

Grim whistled sharply. In the distance, there was a rustling sound. It grew louder and louder, and finally at least thirty goblin imps appeared, hovering in the air around the students present, herding them into a circle amidst unearthly screeches.

"Search their rooms," Grim ordered. "If you find fanfiction there, bring it and the guilty student to me _immediately_."

The goblin imps chattered madly and dispersed. Kim, who had been watching the proceedings with awe, suddenly found herself speaking.

"What about Double D?" she asked loudly over the noise in the corridor, and all the staff members turned to her slowly. Kim gulped, quailing under their stares.

"Well?" Grim asked impatiently, looking at Bartimaeus. "What happens to the girl who fell in?"

"Search me," Bartimaeus said, spreading his hands out. At once Double D fell out of nowhere right into his outstretched arms. Every female in the group gasped in jealousy. Bartimaeus seemed to have frozen, staring at the bewildered girl he was holding. Double D shook her head, looking dazed, and then seemed to realize where she was. Color flooded her face, but she looked as happy as Kim had seen her yet.

"Hi," she said breathily. Bartimaeus dropped her unceremoniously, looking horrified.

There was a pause.

And then a wall of fangirls surged towards the staircase, only to crash into an invisible barrier. Everyone who had not leapt for the stairs (including Kim, who had been a bit slow to act) looked around. The cook with the sharp teeth whom Kim had encountered earlier was leaning casually against the wall, burly arms folded and a satisfied expression on his face.

"Faquarl," Bartimaeus acknowledged him evenly. The cook raised an eyebrow, acknowledging his acknowledgement. Bartimaeus folded his arms, acknowledging Faquarl's acknowledgment of his acknowledgment, and Faquarl–

"All right, stop it, you two," Grim said impatiently. "This is getting ridiculous."

"Nice Shield," Bartimaeus said stonily as the mob of dazed and bruised students staggered away from the stairs.

"Thank you. I didn't want fangirls raining down from the ceiling any more than you did."

"It's not like _you'd _be a target," Bartimaeus pointed out. Faquarl shrugged, unconcerned.

"All the better. But one might have hit me accidentally."

"We're not _things_, you know," Kim said hotly. She had been growing increasingly annoyed with how she and the rest of the students were treated throughout the day. It seemed to her that as far as the staff members were concerned, the students were nothing more than annoying bugs, a feeling that was intensified by the way that everyone ignored her now.

"What are you yelling about?" Double D said, her snappish tone returning. "And why am I on the floor?"

"You don't remember?" Kim asked her in surprise. Double D shook her head. Kim debated whether or not to tell her what had happened, but was saved the trouble of making a decision when distraction arrived in the form of a goblin imp, which grasped several sheets of notebook paper in one clawed paw and the collar of a young girl in the other. The girl was struggling uselessly against the imp's small but powerful grip, her shoes sweeping the air several inches above the ground.

"Avovisto," the Headmistress said grimly, reading the girl's name of the top of the first page of paper. She held out a hand for the papers, and the girl yelped.

"No! Stop! It's my masterpiece! I couldn't help it – I had to keep writing!"

Grim was holding the papers gingerly in two fingers, as though worried they would contaminate her.

"Mogget," she said, "Make yourself useful and do something with these."

"With pleasure," the redhead said, smiling evilly. She snatched the papers and made for Grim's office. Avovisto made incoherent sounds of distress, and the goblin imp dumped her on the ground.

"Detention," Grim said sternly.

"Ooh, and Underwood's monitoring," Jane said, a sharp canine exposed when she grinned. "It should be an interesting hour for you."

"And while you're all here," Bartimaeus called over the noise of the students, who had begun chattering (they quieted instantly at the sound of his voice), "Take note of this: you are not to venture near that…monstrosity."

He indicated the plot hole, which every student took a moment to admire.

"Or you will be subjected to the most creative punishment I can devise, and it won't be pleasant," Grim added ominously. The students exchanged apprehensive glances.

"Back to your business, then," she said, spoiling the moment a bit, and the students dispersed, conversation starting up again with renewed vigor. Kim stole another look at the plot hole as she passed, and made her decision. She would find a way through the barrier so she could reach that plot hole, no matter what it took.

_Nathaniel, I'll be in your arms before dinner, _she promised silently, and with a gleeful giggle tripped along down the hallway.

-

_Author's Note: I'm still accepting student applications, so if you haven't applied and are interested, you can PM me or get my email address through my profile. Thank you._


	5. Flame in a Stick

The Bartimaeus Fanfiction Academy

It should be stated, here and forever, that if you mangle canon in fanfiction and thus anger all sane gods, it will eventually come back to bite you right in the butt, usually in the most painful and humiliating way possible. The laws of karma demand it.

Some people are unaware of this, usually the ones who do the actual mangling. They'll get theirs.

Contrarian repeated this to herself silently as she regarded the students before her. She consciously repressed a shudder as she studied them. Most were clad in pink. All wore vacant expressions. It didn't take a lot of brainpower to determine that all of them were attempting to find some way through the barrier surrounding the plot hole.

She glanced at the clock. It was time to speak.

"Welcome to 'Classic Clichés and How to Avoid Them'," she said. A sea of faces stared back at her, and not one of them held any indication that they knew what "cliché" meant. She noted with disgust that one girl had somehow managed to get her hands on a marker and had scrawled "I Lurve Barty" in bold letters on the front of her shirt. Making a mental note to burn this shirt as soon as possible, she continued, "I'll be handing out the syllabus in a moment, but first, who knows the definition of the word 'cliché'?"

She had hoped these people weren't as stupid as they looked, but no such luck. They continued to stare at her blankly. While Contrarian's expression remained pleasant, in her mind she was shredding the girl with the offensive shirt into little bits and stomping on the remains.

"All right," she said, clapping her hands together briskly to dispel the vivid and somewhat disturbing image. She walked along the front row, and stopped in front of a girl in a purple shirt that she thought she recognized. A glare with that particular level of hostility was hard to forget.

"You. Describe your story and characters to me, please."

The girl blinked, then sat up straighter, looking pleased.

"Well," she began, twisting a strand of light brown hair around her index finger, "It starts out in Nathaniel's house, and he's summoning Bartimaeus. At least, that's what he _thinks_, but he winds up making a mistake and summoning a girl instead."

She paused, looking at Contrarian expectantly. The older girl signaled wordlessly for her to continue.

"Okay, so the girl's name is Xiomara, and she's, like, super cool. She's actually half-demon, so she has all kinds of powers. She can read minds, do magic, and she's really, really pretty. So obviously Nathaniel falls in love with her. I mean, who wouldn't, right?"

She laughed to herself, looking around at her classmates for reactions. Some of them were nodding along, others were scribbling in their notebooks. Contrarian had moved to her desk and was rummaging around in one of the drawers, but she looked up and nodded, saying, "I'm listening, keep going."

"So, anyway, Xiomara really likes Nathaniel, too, but she has this huge, dark secret that could totally destroy them both if she caves in to her _desires_."

This last word was delivered with the utmost gravity. There were murmurings of approval and excitement from her peers. Contrarian straightened up, brushing her hair out of her face. In one hand she held a long, thin cylinder, and in the other, a match.

"Well, er…what's your name?"

"Kim," the girl said. "Kim Hayes."

"Well, Kim, you've been a big help. You posted this story, is that right?"

"I did, I mean, I tried to, but then I got my letter and I don't know if it was taken down or what."

"So you didn't get any reviews."

"No," Kim said, sounding resentful. "I don't know why not. I would have liked to know what people thought of it."

Contrarian struck a match, and as she brought the flame to the tip of the thin stick in her hand she said, very casually, "Don't despair. I can show you exactly what kind of reviews you would have received."

And she tossed the lit cylinder at Kim. The instant it landed on the startled girl's desk a miniature inferno engulfed her. There were several startled cries from the rest of the room's occupants, and those sitting nearest Kim hastily scooted out of range of the flames. A few seconds late the fire suddenly extinguished itself, revealing a very charred and surprised Kim. The scorched girl coughed violently and waved away the smoke that hung around her head in a foul-smelling cloud.

"What was that?" she cried hoarsely, spitting ash out of her mouth.

"That," Contrarian said enthusiastically, "Was a flame. A flame in a stick, if you want to be technical about it – isn't it great? Wasn't that really exciting?"

She looked around at the class with an exaggerated sense of enthusiasm. The students' wide-eyed stares moved from Contrarian to Kim. No one looked particularly thrilled or, for that matter, thoroughly convinced of their teacher's sanity.

"You didn't like it?" Contrarian asked, feigning puzzlement.

"No!" Kim snapped, her voice less raspy now that she had either swallowed or coughed out the ash and smoke in her throat. "That was totally evil! What is _wrong_ with you?"

"It isn't what's wrong with me, it's what's wrong with your story," Contrarian answered, her tone suddenly reasonable. "Again, this class deals with clichés, which, since none of you were able to define them, are ideas used so often they become nauseating. Your story, Kim, consisted of bad clichés stacked one on top of another a mile high. The most common response to stories like yours is a flame. Can anyone tell me what a flame is?"

There was a pause, during which Contrarian muttered "Dear God" under her breath, and then a girl in the back of the room raised her hand tentatively.

"Yes?"

"Um, isn't that like when some other person tells you your story is horrible because they're, you know, really jealous of you and stuff?"

Contrarian sighed. "Not exactly. A flame is negative, yes, often to the point of rudeness, but in almost every case they aren't given because the person is jealous of you. Rather, an author gets a flame because their story is likely so god-awful that the reviewer loses control and winds up pointing out every fault they can spot. Usually a flame will include phrases such as 'You suck', or 'This is the worst story I've ever read; take it down NOW', or comments more colorful than these.

"The point of the flame is to discourage the author from writing. So if you write well, that is, make an effort to proofread and keep your characters realistic, chances are you won't find yourself on the receiving end of a wholly negative review. What you want to do is avoid clichés like the ones found in Kim's story."

Contrarian moved along the rows, passing out copies of the syllabus.

"Class is almost over, so read this tonight and I'll discuss it in more detail tomorrow. For bonus points, you can write a paragraph or two telling me what was wrong with Kim's story. This will also help me determine how adept you are at recognizing clichés."

At this point the bell rang, and the students began to gather their things. Kim stormed out of the room first, her hair singed and clothing covered in soot. Faint wisps of smoke trailed behind her. Contrarian patted the drawer she kept her Inferno sticks in fondly. She had always been a bigger fan of constructive criticism, of course, but some people forced you to take extreme measures.

-

Kim stood in front of a bathroom mirror, scrubbing feverishly at her soot-blackened skin. It was proving difficult to rub off – in fact, the soapy water had only caused it to smudge, so now her face was a particularly nasty grey color. She growled at her reflection and spun around, grabbed a handful of dry paper towels from the dispenser on the wall, and resumed wiping her face with even greater intensity.

_Ooh! I can't believe she _did _that! Just you wait – once Nathaniel and I are together we'll team up on her and…and she'll be sorry! _

Seething, Kim pulled the towels away from her face and checked the mirror. She cried out in exasperation – her face was now a slightly lighter shade of grey. And dinner was in less than ten minutes – what was she going to do? She couldn't fall gracefully into Nathaniel's arms like this – she looked like a gargoyle! And it was all Contrarian's fault!

"I **_HATE_** that jumped-up, stupid, four-eyed _witch!_" she screamed at the top of her lungs, and stood breathing heavily for a moment, listening to her words echo off the tile. Feeling only marginally better, she cast a final, gloomy look at her mirrored self and headed for the door. She would just have to skip dinner, then, and keep trying to scrub the ash off in the privacy of the dormitory bathroom. Until she got there, she'd have to hide her face somehow….

Why was there never a paper bag in sight when you needed one? She settled for pulling the collar of her shirt up over her nose and brushing her hair in front of her face. She couldn't really see, but it wasn't far to her room. She groped her way along the hall, going as quickly as possible without stumbling. She turned the corner that led to the staircase and bumped into someone. With a squeal, she darted back, but the person caught her wrist. Shaking her head to get the hair out of her eyes, she looked fearfully at her assailant.

It was a boy – boorish-looking with features that reminded Kim of a caveman. She shrieked.

"Let me go, you _pervert!_"

The boy looked dimly surprised and released her wrist.

"Your face is grey," he grunted, and moved away down the hall, dragging a cart loaded with mops, brooms, and other cleaning supplies behind him. Kim scowled after him – whoever he was. A janitor? She dismissed him from her mind and darted up the stairs to the fourth floor.

Twenty minutes later her face was almost back to normal, though very pink and chafed from vigorous scrubbing. There were still grey spots near her ears and eyebrows, but they weren't _that _noticeable. At least, Kim hoped they weren't, since they refused to come off no matter how much she rubbed at them and would probably be there for a while.

But on the bright side, there was a chance that she would be able to eat, since dinner was only just halfway over. She headed down two flights of stairs, but came to a halt halfway down one of the second-floor hallways.

The plot hole! In her desperation to get the soot off her face she had completely forgotten about it! The day could still improve. She hurried towards the staircase, going slower as she approached the top of the stairs. The plot hole was still there, rotating lazily and distorting the objects nearest its edges. Kim put her hands out and moved forward, expecting to feel the Shield at any moment. Instead, she nearly fell down the stairs. Confused, Kim stood on the first stair and looked around, as if expecting to see a sign explaining the situation. She moved cautiously closer to the plot hole, still anticipating the sudden presence of the rock-hard Shield. But no – she was on the stair above the plot hole and was feeling its enticing pull. Was the barrier actually gone? She hardly dared hope. How could it have happened?

-

In the cafeteria, at a designated staff table, Bartimaeus and Queezle sat on one end. Bartimaeus was regaling his longtime friend with the story of the second-floor stairwell, his tone becoming increasingly sour as he recounted the part with Faquarl. Queezle, in the guise of the beautiful girl with pointed teeth, held up a hand to stop him.

"Wait a minute – I just thought of something. What floor did you say this stairwell was on?"

"The second," Bartimaeus told her warily. "Why?"

"Uh oh…" Queezle muttered.

"What'd you do?" he asked, trying to suppress rising alarm.

"I didn't know about the plot hole," she said hastily. "I saw the Shield and thought that someone had pulled a prank, so I took it down. I wasn't about to use the stairs, so I didn't realize that it was there to block anything off."

"You removed it!" Bartimaeus exclaimed. All along the staff table, heads began to turn in their direction. Queezle grinned at him sheepishly, and he jumped up, heading quickly for the door amidst the excited murmurs of the students.

-

Kim stretched out a hand towards the plot hole and nearly tipped off balance. The pull was stronger than ever. If she could actually be sucked in, then it had to be true. The Shield was gone.

She stood there for a moment longer while realization sank in.

And then she leaped for the swirling vortex with a wild cry of triumph that echoed through the halls long after she had disappeared.

-

Seized with a sudden feeling of foreboding, Nathaniel turned casually to Faquarl and said, "Do you mind switching seats with me? I need to speak with Kitty for a moment."

-

Kim was falling pleasantly slowly. The air around was a nice temperature and oddly cushy – like the essence of a feathery pillow all around. Colors and fragmented images like movie clips, all almost painfully romantic, swirled around her, but she was hardly taking them in. The longer she fell, the stronger a hold one thought had over her mind: _Nathaniel…_

-

"What did you want to talk to me about?" Kitty asked Nathaniel as he slid into the seat next to her, Faquarl giving him a last odd look before scrutinizing the students in the cafeteria.

"Oh, well…how were your classes?"

"You care? Nathaniel, I'm shocked," she remarked dryly, spearing a few vegetables with her fork. As she chewed, Nathaniel searched uselessly for a brilliant retort.

"This is really good, Faquarl," Kitty commented over Nathaniel's head to the djinni on his other side. The entity favored her with a cool glance.

"After so many centuries taking on the guise of a cook, food is my specialty," he said, holding his hands out in indication of the spread before them.

-

_Nathaniel. _

Kim was perfectly content to let him occupy her thoughts. His face, his voice…and she would be falling right into his lap.

_Ignorance, nothing – _this _is bliss._

She closed her eyes and sighed. A sudden shift in motion jolted her out of her peaceful daydream. She opened her eyes quickly and gasped in surprise as she ceased to float lazily downwards, instead plummeting into the arms of someone who, upon immediate inspection, was definitely _not _Nathaniel.

* * *

_A/N: I was in a horrible mood when I began to write this (I made the mistake of venturing into the Harry Potter category), so Contrarian's character was a little sharper than I had originally intended. Still, it fits in with the philosophy of the OFUs, so it's not that bad. And it helped me work out a little frustration, so it was a win-win situation…for me, at least. I bet you all can guess who actually caught Kim. _

_Staff positions are all filled, but I'm still accepting student applications. If you've sent me a form and I haven't responded, I'm sorry – I've been really busy as of late and haven't checked my email in a long, long time. I'll try to catch up this weekend at the very latest._


End file.
